i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
