i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
