What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
