shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
