Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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