I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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