capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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