I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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