WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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