Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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