...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
