Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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