life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
