every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
