I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
