I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
