I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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