I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
