I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize