i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
