I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
