my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
