well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
