why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
