In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
