I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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