She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
