i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
