just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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