I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
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Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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