Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
