I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
