"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize