umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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