it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
