Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I touched a dick in church today
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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