Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
