last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
