Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
