Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
