Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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