My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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