im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
