I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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