Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
