Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
