So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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