I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
