and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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