I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
...so i touched it.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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