It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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