It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
