Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
