I think I am morally bankrupt
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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