Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
