Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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