i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
