I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
