You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
